Heard any good jokes lately?

**3dArray** · 01-22-2004, 12:50 PM

A small Wild Animal Park in the hills of Virginia acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, who was female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem - the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Mike, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.

Mike had little sense and the park administrator thought he might be a solution to their problem. He approached Mike with a proposition: Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept the offer, but only under the following four conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second," Mike said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third," Mike said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.

And last of all Mike stated, "Fourth, you've got to give me another week to come up with the $500"

**doc540** · 01-22-2004, 01:20 PM

gorilla jokes

I can do that.

Rare, one-of-a-kind, male, albino gorilla escapes and climbs a tree. Zoo officials, cops, fire dept, SPCA, everybody arrives but is totally stumped about how to get him down.

Hours later, a neighbor who's been watching the whole thing steps up and says, "I can get him down easily if you want the help".

They tell him to step back and leave it to the professionals.

Hours pass.

They finally ask him to help. He says, "Let me go get my equipment, be right back".

He shows up with a pit bull, a length of rope, and a 12 ga. pump shotgun.

Officials become alarmed and say, "NO WAY! He can't be harmed, he's one of a kind!"

"No problem," he says, "here's my plan: I climb the tree, lasso the limb he's standing on, you pull on the roPe and shake him out of the tree. He's an agile gorilla and won't be hurt by the fall. When he hits the ground, my specially trained pit bull will gently but firmly grab him by the balls and not let go. The gorilla will freeze and won't move. Then just net him."

They ask, "Well, what's the shotgun for???"

He replies, "If I slip and fall outta the tree, SHOOT THAT DAMN DOG!"

**gibsonjunkie** · 01-22-2004, 01:53 PM

A cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a drink. He sees a sign that says “Make My Horse Laugh and I’ll Give You $50”.

So, he asks the bartender – hey what’s up with the horse. The bartender says, “See that old nag hitched out front. If you can make him laugh I’ll give you $50."

So, he ambles out he door and whispers something in the horse’s ear, and sure enough – the horse starts laughing. The bartender hands over the $50 and asks “how did you do that?”

The cowboy says, “I’ll tell you what. How about double or nothing if I can make the horse cry?”
Bartender says “you’re on”.

The cowboy goes out and a minute later the bartender hears the horse crying. “O.K. Mister – you win, but I have to know how you made him laugh and cry.”

“Well”, says the cowboy, “I whispered in his ear that I was hung better than he was…. That made him laugh.”

“So how did you make him cry?” asked the bartender.

“I showed him” came the reply….

**gibsonjunkie** · 01-22-2004, 01:54 PM

A few months later the same cowboy comes in the bar and sits down with some other cowboys and has a couple of drinks. He then approaches the bartender and says…

“I know you like to bet. I’ve got a good one for you. I bet you $50 that you can slide an empty pitcher down the length of the bar and I can run along behind in it, and piss into the pitcher and not spill a drop on the bar.”

The bartender starts laughing and says “You’re on – nobody can win that bet!”.

So, he slides the pitcher down the bar and the cowboy runs down the bar, pissing all over the guys bar – not a drop ends up in the pitcher.

The bartender is laughing his head off and asks the cowboy as he receives his $50, “What in the heck made you make a fool bet like that – anybody that can do that is an idiot!”

The cowboy smiled and said – “See them fellers over there? I bet them $200 that I could piss all over your bar and make you laugh about it!”

**gibsonjunkie** · 01-22-2004, 02:14 PM

Ten year old Johnny comes home from school. His mom asks him how his day went.

“It was great”, says Johnny. “I had sex today”.

The mother asks “what did you say?”

“I had sex today.”

“Young man, go to your room until your father gets home!” says the mother.

When the father gets home the mother tells him what happened.

The father gives a chuckle, and sort-of saunters up stairs and knocks on the son’s door.

“Heh, heh, heh”, he says, puffing up his chest with pride. “I hear you had sex today?”

“Yep”, says Johnny.

“Did you like it?” asks the father.

“Yep”, says the son.

“A chip off the old block”, says Dad. “Are you going to do it again?” he asked.

“Sure am!”, says Johnny. “As soon as my asshole stops hurting!”

**grito** · 01-22-2004, 02:28 PM

A man walks into a bar and sees a donkey tied to a post next to a pitcher full of money. He asks the bartender what the donkey is there for. The bartender says, whoever can get the this donkey to laugh gets to keep all the money in the pitcher, if he doens't laugh, put five dollars into the pitcher. The man unties the donkey and takes him to the backroom. A short time later the donkey comes out laughing. A month later the man comes back to the bar. The donkey is still laughing and a little sign next to him reads: "If you can get this donkey to stop laughing, I'll pay you $200." The man takes the donkey into the bathroom. A short time later the donkey comes out crying. The bartender runs up to the man and asks the him how he got the donkey to laugh and cry. The man says "A month ago, when I took the donkey into the backroom, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. That's why he laughed. Then today I took it out and showed it to him. That's why he's crying."

**doc540** · 01-22-2004, 02:32 PM

:LC :LC :wav

grito, wins!!

**grito** · 01-22-2004, 02:43 PM

Originally posted by doc540
:LC :LC :wav

grito, wins!!

Did it make you proud to be an American? Can I get a waving flag?

**doc540** · 01-22-2004, 02:59 PM

grito, read the third joke in this thread

:bigal

**JM3** · 01-22-2004, 05:07 PM

Rich big city Attorney is duck hunting in the sticks, Flock flies over and BOOM he bags one,
Just as he tries to climb the fence to retrieve his duck, a Farmer comes a ridin on his tractor and says,"where ya think your goin mister.
The attorney says "to get my duck" The farmers says "No yer not, thats my private property, it's my duck" The attorney starts to cuss the old man until the Farmer says "Hold on sonny, lets settle this like we hicks in the country settle things" what ya got in mind? says the attorney. Well I get to kick you 3 times and you then get to kick me 3 times until one of us gives up.The atorney takes one look at the old geezer and agrees, The farmers says I gets first shot as it is my property,
The attorney agrees, KICK right to the balls and the attorney goes down in excruitaing pain.The farmer then kicks him in the ass real hard, sending him into the dirt and mud howling as he tries to grasp for breath, then one more time in the chest as the attorney barfs his lunch onto the ground.
As he finally regains composure, the attorney says "Awright you old fart " Now it's my turn.
Now I'm gonna kick your ass.

The Farmer: Naw, I give up, you can have the duck

**Kap'n** · 01-22-2004, 05:11 PM

A baby seal walks into a club....

**BlueFrogs** · 01-22-2004, 05:48 PM

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One is white and plastic the other is for carrying groceries.

**gibsonjunkie** · 01-23-2004, 06:11 AM

Grito - that was a very creative joke unllike anything I've ever heard before....

Love,

Vickers

**gibsonjunkie** · 01-23-2004, 06:15 AM

A tourist is in a plaza in Mexico and sees an old man sitting in the square next to a donkey. The tourist asks him what time it is. The old man reaches over and lifts up the donkeys balls and says - 10:30. The tourist is amazed and later that day brings his wife back to the square and asks the old man -"What time is it?"

The old man reaches over, lifts up the donkey's balls and says "2:45"

"That is amazing", says the tourist. "How can you tell time by feeling the donkey's balls?"

"I don't", came the reply. "I'm just trying to see the clock over there and this donkey's ball are in the way"

**gibsonjunkie** · 01-23-2004, 06:20 AM

A tourist is in a plaza in Canada and sees an old man sitting in the square next to a horse. The tourist asks him what time it is. The old man reaches over and lifts up the horse's balls and says - 11:30. The tourist is amazed and later that day brings his wife back to the square and asks the old man -"What time is it?"

The old man reaches over, lifts up the horse's balls and says "2:55".

"That is amazing", says the tourist. "How can you tell time by feeling the horse's balls?"

"I don't", came the reply. "I'm just trying to see the clock over there and this horse's ball are in the way"

Love,

Grito

**3dArray** · 01-23-2004, 07:53 AM

A Canadien tourist is in a plaza in Mexico and sees an old man sitting in the square next to Grito. The Canadien tourist asks him what time it is. The old man reaches over and lifts up Grito's balls and says - 11:30. The Canadien tourist is amazed and later that day brings his Canadien wife back to the square and asks the old man -"What time is it?"

The old man reaches over, lifts up the Grito's balls and says "2:55".

"That is amazing", says the Canadien tourist. "How can you tell time by feeling the Grito's balls?"

"I don't", came the reply. "I'm just trying to see the clock over there and Grito's balls are in the way"

**Sacblues** · 01-23-2004, 08:29 AM

ROTFLMAO at the last three posts !!!!

You guys are killin' me!

**shoebox22** · 01-23-2004, 08:32 AM

:LC :LC :LC :LC

**curtisstetka** · 01-23-2004, 08:40 AM

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?

Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.

Michael Jackson fucks little boys.

**Power_13** · 01-23-2004, 08:46 AM

Mickey Mouse is in a heated discussion with his divorce lawyer.

"I really am sorry, Mister Mouse!" the lawyer says. "But your wife having buck teeth is not sufficient grounds for divorce."

"When did I say she had buck teeth?" Mickey replied angrily. "I said she was f**king Goofy!"

**grito** · 01-23-2004, 08:49 AM

So, I guess this grito character has great balls...

**grito** · 01-23-2004, 08:52 AM

Originally posted by gibsonjunkie
Grito - that was a very creative joke unllike anything I've ever heard before....

Love,

Vickers

Really? I've like heard it at least 1000 times:

**curtisstetka** · 01-23-2004, 08:52 AM

What's the difference between a troupe of acrobats at the circus and a bunch of ho's at a bordello?

The acrobats display a cunning array of stunts...

Thread: Heard any good jokes lately?

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