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Thread: The Single Man and Music

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    Forum Member ch willie's Avatar
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    The Single Man and Music

    I think most of the regulars here are married and seemingly happily so. The kids' mother and I divorced 8 years ago, and I had a disastrous second marriage that lasted a year. I haven't dated since my ex girlfriend and I split in January this year. I'm 58 years old and I'm single. Lately, I've been chatting with a couple of women, and I like one in particular that could never work out--such are things in the world; sometimes you don't get what you want, so deal with it.

    It's interesting to see how important music is on the dating scene. I've been on dating sites, and folk list their preferences and likes. i see anything new country, and I skip em. I'm sure women see my musical likes and run and skip me--not a complaint; it's a good thing. Music is breath, food, and water.

    I also find myself wooing this one with music. A few Spotify links, a recording of the guitar work on a new song. I wasn't trying to be cool. Music and writing it are a large part of who I am. Still, I might have good intentions, but I'm using music like pheromones.
    If we'd known we were going to be the Beatles, we'd have tried harder.--George Harrison

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    Forum Member DanTheBluesMan's Avatar
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    Re: The Single Man and Music

    Music as pheromones, intriguing idea.

    I've signed up on some free dating sites and you get what you pay for. I get gobs of replies and that is kind of disturbing. The way I set up my profile should be scaring any sane woman away, so all those replies must only be from bat-shiat crazy serial-killer wannabes, and by golly there's a lot of them out there.
    "Live and learn and flip the burns"

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    Forum Member OldStrummer's Avatar
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    Re: The Single Man and Music

    Nice thread starter, Willie. Thanks!

    I'm a few years older than you, and twice married, as well. I married my first wife young, and after 17 years and one child, it caught up to us (we're still friends today, but I wouldn't re-marry her if I had the chance). My second marriage was, I thought, a gift from heaven. But she turned out to be BPD, and bliss turned into horror a few years later, ultimately leading to our breakup. And her ultimate death. I had to recover from that, and by the time I got my head straight (and my heart, I guess), I was at the point where it seemed I was too old, too settled in my ways, too independent, and not attracted to women my age. And those I was attracted to were already married, and I don't go where my ex-wife chose to go.

    So I turned my interest inward. I picked up my guitar again (which led me here) and have accepted the possibility that I will remain single from here on in. I'm not looking, in other words, and in this day of COVID, any chance to do so has been markedly reduced.

    But I will say that a woman who enjoys the same type of music will have a head start on one who doesn't. My tastes are quite eclectic (if you've read some of my "What Are You Currently Listening To" posts, so my choices in an already limited landscape are narrowed even more. Sigh.
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    Forum Member ch willie's Avatar
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    Re: The Single Man and Music

    Fred, well, things are different for me now that I'm older. At this point, I really don't want to cohabitate with anyone. I like my house just as it is, and I like the freedom I have.

    As far as music is concerned, it's almost like a religion to me. I love something in almost every genre, like a lot of you. I always try to find music I have in common with someone.

    Music is so important to me that the kind of music I like might as well be a certain kind of fishing or boating. Gotta have someone who's interested in boating if boating is important to you. I mean, can you imagine what it would be like for me if I was with someone who hated The Beatles, The Stones, Clapton, Pink Floyd, and The Who? That would be harder one for me than their religious beliefs! ha ha
    If we'd known we were going to be the Beatles, we'd have tried harder.--George Harrison

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    Forum Member dirtdog's Avatar
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    Re: The Single Man and Music

    Been a long time since I was single and in my youth there were other factors more, ahem, enticing than musical preferences. You know what they say about opposites attract.

    IF I were to find myself single at this stage in my life, I'd be right there with you Willie and OS - I think I would prefer to remain single or at least not get involved in a co-habitation arrangement. Music *might* be an important component - but is again probably less of a criterion now that I'm done with gigging. She would at least like to listen what me and boys are recording. I'd be more interested in someone who marginally liked my musical pursuits but was also physically active (cycling, skiing, outdoors pursuits in general), into motorcycles, is educated and has a weird sense of humour. And gives me my own space!

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    Forum Member gibsonjunkie's Avatar
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    Re: The Single Man and Music

    The first Mrs. Junkie had a lot of things going on that contributed to the demise of our marriage, but the final straw was when I mentioned to her (at the age of around 44 - and 21 years of marriage) that I regretted never playing in a band and wanted to try and make that happen. Understand that I had always written music, graduated with a degree in music, played in a duo in college and even played guitar for the church folk group, so it wasn't like I had no interest in music. Her response... "What are you, some sort of Rock and Roll Wannabee?"
    "We catched fish and talked, and we took a swim now and then to keep off sleepiness." Mark Twain

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    Forum Member ch willie's Avatar
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    Re: The Single Man and Music

    Quote Originally Posted by gibsonjunkie View Post
    The first Mrs. Junkie had a lot of things going on that contributed to the demise of our marriage, but the final straw was when I mentioned to her (at the age of around 44 - and 21 years of marriage) that I regretted never playing in a band and wanted to try and make that happen. Understand that I had always written music, graduated with a degree in music, played in a duo in college and even played guitar for the church folk group, so it wasn't like I had no interest in music. Her response... "What are you, some sort of Rock and Roll Wannabee?"
    My first wife was supportive of my music and loved to hear my play, came to the gigs and had a great time. But when I had band practices, she wasn't' too happy. Not her fault. I was a professor but staying out until the wee hours playing music. She didn't like my gear purchases even though I had nothing too expensive for us. Again, not her fault--she had just never known someone so fanatical about music. It didn't cause our divorce, but it did plant a seed of enmity that along with other seeds made her resentful.

    She is a great person and is a wonderful mother. We were just too different.
    If we'd known we were going to be the Beatles, we'd have tried harder.--George Harrison

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    Forum Member concert410's Avatar
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    Re: The Single Man and Music

    I am also 58 and my 2nd marriage cracked. We are not divorced, but living separate. The first time fell apart because I married the right person, for the right reasons, but I wasn't really ready. She did nothing wrong but I started feel paternal insticts and she wanted no parts of being a parent. I feel like we deserved more then 5 years. The second marriage lasted 20 years. She encouraged my musical hobbies, and my college paper chase. I formed and ran a fairly successful band and attained my college degree, but when I got to the top of the mountain, I found out I wasn't able to keep everyone with me. I have been single for a year now. I still don't know what to think of it all. This is not how I envisioned it would be.
    A good, screaming Strat just might be the greatest guitar sound of all..... -Slash

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    Forum Member ch willie's Avatar
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    Re: The Single Man and Music

    I get what you mean. Kinda thought I'd grow old with my first wife. I wish it had worked out, but the split was best for both of us, and I'm very happy for her that she's found a man who makes her happy. She's a great mother, and we support each other. She's a good person, and we work together on issues with our kids, 26 and 29--they still need us once in a blue moon.

    It's weird to be single at our age, 410. It's a new world out there, and we are dinosaurs. In my small town, the good women in my age range are taken or are burned out meth addicts--of course I"m generalizing, but there is truth to it.
    If we'd known we were going to be the Beatles, we'd have tried harder.--George Harrison

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    Forum Member Laker's Avatar
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    Re: The Single Man and Music

    I seem to run contrary to the norm here.

    Wife #1 and I would be married 50 years this year. She never really "got" the whole music thing and rarely, if ever, came to one of my gigs. It wasn't the cause of the end of the marriage, but the absences caused by the continual gigging did help to make her affections wander a tad. We stayed together for 13 years and parted amicably.

    My second (and current) wife and I have been married for 33 years (I've actually known her for 45 years) and she is a musician's ideal partner. Over the years she has totally supported my lifestyle where I used to spend weekends away from home and constantly on the go as I played bars and festivals all over the upper midwest usually playing every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday evening along with a few weekdays in addition to working the day gig. It was a hectic schedule, but like I said, she totally supported me and the music. Back when her friends were into stuff like Tommy James or Sonny and Cher or the Monkees, she was listening to Wilson Pickett and James Brown. She's a keeper and I'm happy she is still with me.

  11. #11
    Forum Member ch willie's Avatar
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    Re: The Single Man and Music

    That's great, Laker. I'm happy for you.

    Well, even though I'm nearly 60, I still have hope that I'll find a compatible partner to see it through to the end. I'm not a professional dater. I don't even like "dating". I like going out with someone I've come to know well enough to know I already like her. And if it's mutual, the pressure is off. Two women are interested in me right now, but they're younger than me by too much (a former student onliine, 31 and a local woman, 37). I'm not bragging. Of course they're sexy and beautiful--but I am 58, and even if a younger woman is mature and caring, it's tough for her to understand what it's like to be this age. Tough for me to understand her generation. And at my age, you know in 10 years, they'll still be young, but I will be 70, and that's a terrible age for a partner to settle upon a young woman.
    If we'd known we were going to be the Beatles, we'd have tried harder.--George Harrison

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    Re: The Single Man and Music

    I can understand where many of you are coming from. Back in the day I was working most weekends, and some weeklong jobs. Once our oldest was born, I generally went alone. There were a few arguments, and jealousy, but it eased up a bit when my wife and her sisters started playing. I did a lot of the booking for my band, and sent the overflow to my wife's. Later when we were in the same bands, things were great!
    We haven't played out in years, but get together when we can with her sisters, (and our/their kids), and friends.

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    Forum Member concert410's Avatar
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    Re: The Single Man and Music

    Quote Originally Posted by ch willie View Post
    That's great, Laker. I'm happy for you.

    Well, even though I'm nearly 60, I still have hope that I'll find a compatible partner to see it through to the end. I'm not a professional dater. I don't even like "dating". I like going out with someone I've come to know well enough to know I already like her. And if it's mutual, the pressure is off. Two women are interested in me right now, but they're younger than me by too much (a former student onliine, 31 and a local woman, 37). I'm not bragging. Of course they're sexy and beautiful--but I am 58, and even if a younger woman is mature and caring, it's tough for her to understand what it's like to be this age. Tough for me to understand her generation. And at my age, you know in 10 years, they'll still be young, but I will be 70, and that's a terrible age for a partner to settle upon a young woman.
    You are a wise old sage.
    A good, screaming Strat just might be the greatest guitar sound of all..... -Slash

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    Forum Member ch willie's Avatar
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    Re: The Single Man and Music

    Quote Originally Posted by concert410 View Post
    You are a wise old sage.
    Emphasis on old. Young women actually make me aware in a bad way of my age.
    If we'd known we were going to be the Beatles, we'd have tried harder.--George Harrison

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    Forum Member gibsonjunkie's Avatar
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    Re: The Single Man and Music

    A weird thing that happened to me with wife #1 was that she always wanted to sing, but was deathly afraid to do so. We started going to church at a more progressive Catholic Church nearby and they had a folk group that sang every Sunday for the 10:00 mass. There were two or three guitarists, a bass player and a half-dozen singers. She started practicing with them and eventually they convinced her to get up on the altar and sing. She went every Sunday, so, I brought the kids too.

    So, the musicians gradually started to fade away to the point where there was just one guitarist and around 6-8 singers. His wife was expecting so he asked me if I'd practice with the group until closer to the delivery and then he was going to take a leave of absence to care for his wife and child. and I'd fill in. Well, long story short, he never came back. After a while something fun became a huge burden. Almost every week, somebody would take the day off for some reason, but we always HAD to be there. I was guilted/browbeaten into being there every week. To me, the mass was very spiritual, but I started to feel like I was performing - not praying. We had brutal screaming fights every Sunday morning because I JUST DIDN"T WANT TO BE THERE! I finally told her that I'd sing through Christmas and I was done. Ends up I was done in more than one way...
    "We catched fish and talked, and we took a swim now and then to keep off sleepiness." Mark Twain

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    Forum Member OldStrummer's Avatar
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    Re: The Single Man and Music

    Quote Originally Posted by ch willie View Post
    Emphasis on old. Young women actually make me aware in a bad way of my age.


    I'm older than you. And despite the fact that I like to think I'm still a young and energetic marathon runner, the truth is that I'm beginning to look like a balding, gray-haired, saggy, wrinkled old dude. When I look at a pretty woman these days, I do so out of the corner of my eye.
    Striving to be ordinary

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