how sing able do you think this is?

[Jonnda]

I wrote this poem just now, and i thought i'd share it. But he question is how does it strike you style wise to sing... or even if it could be sung. it's about an old crush from years ago, who found somebody new.

Jealousy is a mean illogical monster
And it don't care how long ago you lost her
It'll still make you despise
the one now held in her eyes
as her new happily ever after

Please do pardon me if I can't quite make nice.
Until I've killed the green beast, take my advice:
don't take my actions to heart,
and make things worse then they are.
(Just cut me cut me slack and time to think things twice [fix this line?])

Jealousy is a mean illogical monster
And it don't care if you were ever with her
It'll still make you despise
the one now held in her eyes
as her new happily ever after

[JJ Gross]

I'm already thinking about the music for this.
Kind of a semi-psychadelic bluesey early Trower-ish thing in my brain.
Too Bad James Dewar isn't alive to sing it for me. ;)

Cool poem.

[Jonnda]

kinda like "Bridge Of Sighs" then? Hmmmm... I like where your goin' with that

[frank thomson]

I wrote this poem just now, and i thought i'd share it. But the question is how does it strike you style wise to sing... or even if it could be sung. it's about an old crush from years ago, who found somebody new.

Jealousy is a mean illogical monster
And it don't care how long ago you lost her
It'll still make you despise
the one now held in her eyes
as her new happily ever after

Please do pardon me if I can't quite make nice.
Until I've killed the green beast, take my advice:
don't take my actions to heart,
and make things worse then they are.
(Just cut me cut me slack and time to think things twice [fix this line?])

Jealousy is a mean illogical monster
And it don't care if you were ever with her
It'll still make you despise
the one now held in her eyes
as her new happily ever after

imo,

I'D lose *illogical*...maybe
"jealousy is a mean, green eyed, monster"

but everything else can work

*illogical* in a song?....you might as well have said *juxtaposition*


[and, as always, see tagline]

[Jonnda]

now lets try a longer test. okay that worked. why won't my real response work?


Granted, poems get changed when they get turned into lyrics, but changing that word into a cliche that doesn't have much meaning to me...

[Jonnda]

I don't know. I think someone would have to come up with something better then that.

Frank I get your point dexter, Illogical is a nerdy word. But it has a cool rhythm and I thought it got my point across. I don't see any reason to feel the way i do, yet i still dislike a person i don't even really know; who unlike me, was successful in winning her heart.

[Jonnda]

Pay attention to the meter of the words you chose. Listen to some Dylan or Chuck Berry and payclose attention to how the lyrics "bounce".

Note the difference in the syllables here:

Jealousy is a mean illogical monster
It don't care how long ago it was that you lost her...

Good to know, thanks for the tip.

[_john]

imo,

I'D lose *illogical*...maybe

I kinda agree. I tried putting it to chords but I keep getting hung up on illogical. If the idea is the jealousy and the rhyme is on monster then maybe you could replace illogical with something like....senseless. Or something....IMHO

But yeah it looks singable to me, nice job

[NeoFauve]

Pay attention to the meter of the words you chose. Listen to some Dylan or Chuck Berry and payclose attention to how the lyrics "bounce".
Note the difference in the syllables here:

Jealousy is a mean illogical monster
It don't care how long ago it was that you lost her...

It's tough to really know, just by reading the lyrics.

Depending on the tempo and rhythm of the song, you can compress or stretch sylables or short words.

Jealousy is a mean / illogical monster
It don't care how long / ago-it-was-that-you..... lost-her...

They don't match exactly. They don't neccesarily have to.
Judging by what I'm reading, a little tension in the verbal flow might work.

BTW: If you drop "it was"- "ago that you" = "illogical" in in meter.

But you're trying to convey a story/mood/feeling, not do algebra
It needs feel natural to what you're trying to get across.

Edited to ad...
FWIW: Though you don't hear it in many songs, I think "illogical" may be THE word you want to keep there.
It really is the point of that verse- trying come to terms with an emotion that's beyond logic, like most are.Plus structurally - it's a good word to sing.
"Ill-ahh-ji-kal"- You've got throat, tongue, teeth working there. What more can you ask for? (You are the guy that seemed a little bored w/DaDooRonRon, remember)
JMO- Unless, as you work on this the gist changes significantly, don't be in a hurry to dump illogical.

[frank thomson]

guess what, they worked *SUPERCALAFRAGALISTICEXPEALADOCIOUS* into a song, too, sooooooo.....anything is possible.

and i wasn't looking at a meter when reading your lyrics, it just seemed *wrong*....IMO.

and *artists* can sing anything they want, because *artists* have their own *attitude* that sell their product (Dylan, Beck, etc). They can say anything. But, IMO, if you wanna SELL your stuff for Justin Timberlake to sing, well then 'illogical' ain't happenin'

i think writing for yourself, and writing for another artist to sing are totally different animals.

personally, i can't figure ANY way to sing that first line. [Jealousy is a mean illogical monster]
...however, i can sing *Jealousy's a mean, green-eyed monster*

AGAIN, JMO

[Jonnda]

guess what, they worked *SUPERCALAFRAGALISTICEXPEALADOCIOUS* into a song, too, sooooooo.....anything is possible.

and i wasn't looking at a meter when reading your lyrics, it just seemed *wrong*....IMO.

Well, I'll try a few things out over the next week. Usually I have to find a tune and actually try to sing these things, and things get changed for fluidity. Thanks for your opinion!

[frank thomson]

.

[Offshore Angler]

Pay attention to the meter of the words you chose. Listen to some Dylan or Chuck Berry and payclose attention to how the lyrics "bounce".

...

Bravo! When you hear "coffee colored cadillac" in Nadine a huge bell should go off in your head. THAT's how to write a song, IMHO.

[frank thomson]

illiteration rocks.

[NeoFauve]

and i wasn't looking at a meter when reading your lyrics,

I can't imagine why you wouldn't.

and *artists* can sing anything they want, because *artists* have their own *attitude* that sell their product (Dylan, Beck, etc). They can say anything. But, IMO, if you wanna SELL your stuff for Justin Timberlake to sing, well then 'illogical' ain't happenin'

i think writing for yourself, and writing for another artist to sing are totally different animals.

The question was, "how singable do you think this is?"

[Jonnda]

Well to tell you the truth it was around 3:00 am when i posted the thread, and about fifteen minutes prior to that I had completed the poem.

I tend to write my better stuff when I'm fried off of lack of sleep, though I also think I might not have asked the right question (or the question, right) because of it.
I think what i really wanted to know was what style it best fit in.

I think if I follow JJ Gross's suggestion, I should be able to pull it off easily. I've heard a whole lotta things crammed into the lyrics of a slow blues that are not necessarily in rhythm with each other, but they ryhme and they fit. That usually happens only on an improvised verse, and not one that has been thought out and written at 2:00am.

Truth is, I won't know until i try. Problem is my hard-drive is full so I have to move some stuff to cd and make room before i can get a nice slow bass/drum/guitar grove together.

[bonefish]

struck me as kinda lou reedish-sing it w/ that detached, weary, half-ironic type sneer and you can fit just about any phrasing in you want.

and i liked "illogical", too.

[Jonnda]

struck me as kinda lou reedish-sing it w/ that detached, weary, half-ironic type sneer and you can fit just about any phrasing in you want.

and i liked "illogical", too.

Thanks! [for the comment]

There is always a time when a man has a crazy idea like using the word "Illogical" in a song, or electrifying a piece of carbon in a vacuum to make light, or ending a tune on the six chord- just something different.

If it works, people say "hey thats cool man". If it don't, then it don't. Kinda like when any new idea comes about.

I had the first line in my head for two days, I had to do something with it.

[frank thomson]

Originally Posted by frank thomson
and i wasn't looking at a meter when reading your lyrics
I can't imagine why you wouldn't.


Originally Posted by frank thomson
and *artists* can sing anything they want, because *artists* have their own *attitude* that sell their product (Dylan, Beck, etc). They can say anything. But, IMO, if you wanna SELL your stuff for Justin Timberlake to sing, well then 'illogical' ain't happenin'

i think writing for yourself, and writing for another artist to sing are totally different animals.


The question was, "how singable do you think this is?"

see, this is what happens.
jonnda asked for opinions.
i gave mine.

and if you wanna know the God's honest truth, if i handed this to my pro-songwriter friend w/ the gold albums (plural) hanging on his wall, he'd say it sucks!...and he'd tell you the same things *I* was trying to tell Jonnda.

so much for trying to be subtle....i guess it's just not my forte`.

[Jonnda]

see, this is what happens.
jonnda asked for opinions.
i gave mine.

and if you wanna know the God's honest truth, if i handed this to my pro-songwriter friend w/ the gold albums (plural) hanging on his wall, he'd say it sucks!...and he'd tell you the same things *I* was trying to tell Jonnda.

so much for trying to be subtle....i guess it's just not my forte`.

Oh, I believe you. Going on lyrics alone with out hearing what i'm thinking in my head, I can understand your opinoin.

Do I expect to make money off this song? No, not really. Do I expect it to be a pop hit and get a gold record? No, but I hate most of the pop of today.

A friend of my family, Jim Croegeart, once got a gold record for writing "Was It A Morning Like This" because Sandi Patti turned it into a contemporary Christian pop song. Good for him, even though i think her version stinks. He has no trouble with writing lyrics, the reason he is only locally famous is that his lyrics/subject matter is too deep for commercial success.

He writes whats on his mind and heart, and eventually he became a one hit wonder of sorts.

I can only hope get the same kind of recognition, one day.

I consider this to be some of my best work so far, it's getting better so i'm not worried. But I have to work with what I write because I want to get in the habit of writing my own original songs.

I know I'm not amazing right now, but not many people start their career off with a gold record any way.

[frank thomson]

jonnda, you're right on on many thing you say.
A friend of my family, Jim Croegeart, once got a gold record for writing "Was It A Morning Like This" because Sandi Patti turned it into a contemporary Christian pop song. Good for him, even though i think her version stinks. He has no trouble with writing lyrics, the reason he is only locally famous is that his lyrics/subject matter is too deep.
again, *too deep*; while it may be soul-cleansing to the writer, usually won't put bread on your table. but if the exact-same-thing happened to Tim McGraw, and you can get that song in front of him, you'll have a platinumx10 song on your hands.

i've heard many times that my stuff sucked. hell, i even had a band that sucked. (to some people,.. but fwiw, bikers LOVED us)...but i digress..

my opinion is just that. ...and opinions are like assholes....

i write. some like it, some don't. whatever....but i keep trying/honing(sp?) the craft. It's a very diffifult skill to master, but I'm always trying to get better at it too.

imo, what you have there is a poem.
i should have just said that,.....but...[see tagline]

[twin twelve]

You could actually plaster it onto Axis bold as love pretty closely.
I've always been a write the melody and changes and then figure out the lyrics kind of writer.

It always killed me to think that Bernie Taupin could give elton something like "take me to the pilot" or Burn down the mission and EJ would then write the music. Kinda stunning when you think about it.

Doug

[Jonnda]

You could actually plaster it onto Axis bold as love pretty closely.
I've always been a write the melody and changes and then figure out the lyrics kind of writer.

Doug

Yeah, i'm still trying to figure out what kind of song writer I am. Which should come first... I still need to figure out what is best for me. Right now there is allot of instrumental chord progressions that i've come up with, and my occasional poems.. but i can't seem to make the two match.

[bonefish]

Yeah, i'm still trying to figure out what kind of song writer I am. Which should come first... I still need to figure out what is best for me. Right now there is allot of instrumental chord progressions that i've come up with, and my occasional poems.. but i can't seem to make the two match.

don't limit yourself by saying "I'm this type of writer". I've written a fair number of songs, some of them even pretty decent, and the process is never exactly the same.

oh, and unless you want to do the whole Nashville song-writer type thang, try not to overanalyze your lyrics. I mean, "get offa my cloud" was a hit, right? my $.02

[Jonnda]

don't limit yourself by saying "I'm this type of writer". I've written a fair number of songs, some of them even pretty decent, and the process is never exactly the same.

oh, and unless you want to do the whole Nashville song-writer type thang, try not to overanalyze your lyrics. I mean, "get offa my cloud" was a hit, right? my $.02

I just meant that I don't know what method works best for me and produces better songs.

[Jonnda]

Okay, I realize that I'm not the best singer out there... but it doesn't help that i had a heck of a time trying to record it at all with my set up. Plus, I'm too shy to really belt it out in my dorm room... so my breath support stank.


All that aside, I thought i did a good job.
The link is in the links area of this forum.

[frank thomson]

I can't imagine why you wouldn't.





The question was, "how singable do you think this is?"

yo neo, ....roll-eyes?!?