Things you would like to say out loud at work...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a darn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-funky opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Oh. I get it... like humor... but different

40. If your brains were made of dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.

41. The lights are on but there is nobody home.

42. The elevator doesn't go all they way to the top.

43. The is a roo loose in the top paddock. (Aussie version)

43(a). There is a steer loose in the top pasture. (US version)

44. You are a hotdog short of a BBQ.

45. You are a sandwich short of a picnic.

46. You are so smart you have two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

47. wisdom is chasing you but you're faster

48. I thought you had hit rock bottom but now I see you are digging.

49. I think the gene pool needs some more chlorine

50. Have you ever considered a career in medical research?

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if this has been done before, just disregard. It was new and amusing to me.

Amusing to me too. One and thirteen sound especially good. *sigh* If only I had the courage/no need for money :)

51: "Quit bugging me with this work crap, I'm on the internet."

52. I'm sorry but you have mistaken me for your own personal search engine. Go Google it and leave me the hell alone.

My former manager had this sign on his desk:

8 of the 10 voices in my head tell me not to shoot.

53. This is a freakin' body piercing jewlery store!!
We sell tacky metal crap that people decorate their nostrils, nipples and nether regions with.
And you're firing me because I texted out sick???

WTF???

Pierce this!!!